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It can be very difficult to talk to someone about reality when they are caught up in a scam. Photo: Alamy

How to stop someone you know falling for an online romance scam

  • Lovelorn Hong Kong witnessed a sharp increase in the number of online romance scams last year
  • Sharing scam stories, understanding the victim’s mindset and helping them learn about real love can all help prevent someone being conned
David Wilson

It is not easy to convince a close friend or relative that they have fallen for the charms of an online love cheat, counsellors say. Victims often cannot see the danger signs or simply do not want to, and may remain in denial even after they have been duped out of cash.

This insight is worth bearing in mind in lovelorn Hong Kong, which witnessed a sharp increase in the number of online romance scams last year.

Cyber scammers cheated Hongkongers out of HK$451 million (US$57.5 million) in the first 10 months of 2018, according to Hong Kong police statistics – a 414 per cent jump from the HK$109 million snatched during the same period a year earlier.

Online dating scam victim opens her heart to spare others

The large majority of victims were looking for love, but were courting disaster. Some HK$417.1 million, representing about 92 per cent of the money lost, was netted by romance scammers. There were 520 such cases, up from 170 in 2017.

Jan Marshall is an ambassador for the Australian Cybercrime Online Reporting Network and author of the book Romance Scam Survivor: The Whole Sordid Story, based on her personal experience with a scammer. She says that getting people to realise they are dealing with a scammer is a challenging process.

Huge explosion in online scams in 2018, mostly romance-related

“My experience working with scam victims and friends of scam victims, over a period of four years, highlights that it is very difficult to talk to someone about reality when they are caught in a scam,” she says. “There is no silver bullet.”

Victims become “hypnotised” as they are coached by their sham lover to disregard any cautionary advice given by well-meaning friends or relatives, she adds. “Scammers are extremely skilled at psychological manipulation. They lie without compunction and deliberately set out to part people from their money.”

Scammers can be extremely skilled at convincing other people that they are their “true love”.

Tony Dickinson, a psychologist based in Hong Kong, says one way friends or relatives can help someone if they suspect they are falling for a con artist is to share stories with them of the more alarming cases reported in the media.

As an example, he cites a case from last year in which a 66-year-old Hong Kong woman was duped into transferring HK$180 million to a “virtual lover” posing as a rich foreign investor.

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Dickinson says he has counselled scam victims who are still in denial. One way he tries to get them to open up is by talking to them about the notorious “Nigerian prince” money-transfer email scam, in which the perpetrator offers a large sum of money if the victim first stumps up a smaller amount.

“Then the client will be less likely to say, ‘He would not do that to me. We are so much in love,’” he says.

Hong Kong-based psychologist Tony Dickinson.

According to Dickinson, the warning may at least encourage victims to consider the possibility that they are being deceived.

Because people are so focused on the dream, or the fairy tale, they can be blinded to reality
Elly Johnson, truth and deception expert

Between 80 per cent and 90 per cent of victims Dickinson has come across are middle-aged women, although he suspects men of all ages are less likely to report being scammed. Hong Kong men, in particular, may choose not to admit to their mistake to save face – or avoid “virtual mistress embarrassment”, he says.

Therapy sessions might involve exploring the victim’s reasons for making financial commitments to a stranger.

“Emotional reasoning, like gut reactions, are fine when deciding what to have for lunch, but not for long-term commitments such as marriage, or giving one’s life savings to a person that you have never met – or indeed may not even exist,” Dickinson says.

Australia-based truth and deception expert Elly Johnson runs an online course called “Truth, Lies and Love” that is designed to help women identify fraudsters and cheats.

Why do Hong Kong women still fall for online romance scams?

“As with any offering we search for and buy online, the message is ‘buyer beware’,” Johnson says. “It’s so easy to make fake things look real, and people are too trusting about the online space.”

Australia-based truth and deception expert Elly Johnson.

Anyone who suspects a friend or relative is falling prey to a scammer should try to understand their mindset, Johnson says. They should recognise why it is important for the potential victim to believe the person they have met online is genuine, and make them feel safe by getting them to share what they feel and believe.

“If you shut someone down too quickly by showing your disbelief, they may cease sharing the story with you … if they do not tell you what is going on, then it will be hard to help,” Johnson says.

How to avoid being easy prey for online romance scams

The victim may believe they will never find anyone who “loves” them as much again – convinced that they have found their prince charming and will live happily ever after.

“Because people are so focused on the dream, or the fairy tale, they can be blinded to reality. They are full of biases that block them from [seeing] what is real. Confirmation bias will allow them to see anything positive that confirms what they hope, but they will miss the other signs. Blind-spot bias will allow them to see that other people have biases, but make them believe they have none,” Johnson says.

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She echoes Dickinson’s advice that it is helpful to gather facts and figures about scams, and how common they are. To help your friend avoid becoming another statistic, sit down with them and discuss similarities between their predicament and cases of trickery reported in the media.

“If I was trying to get a friend to see the light I would certainly do my research … I would find videos of people talking about their real-life experience of being scammed, so they could hear it from someone else,” Johnson says.

Scam victims may believe they will never find anyone who “loves” them as much again. Photo: Shutterstock

If possible, have your friend speak to someone who has experienced a scam and came out wiser and more aware. Johnson suggests finding an online forum where the victim can speak to and share information with others who have been conned.

You could also ask to become involved in a dialogue with the suspected scammer, by suggesting that you test it together to see if they are actually real.

Hongkonger, 73, loses life savings to scammer posing as female US soldier

Additionally, Johnson advises engaging the friend in a discussion about ways to find a genuine romance with a suitable person. Point them in the right direction to learn more about life and real love.

“They can’t make a better decision with the same level of knowledge that has got them to where they are now. They need to learn more to make a better decision,” she says.

If they still insist on trying to find love online, treat the process like the search for an ideal job, Johnson adds. Highlight the value of asking suitors the right questions to figure out if they are really who they say they are.

No one [says ‘my dear’] except for foreign people trying to be endearing and pretending to be of English origin
Dr Karen Phillip, therapist

To confirm their identity – where they work, for example – encourage real-world meetings and talking, rather than simply communicating by email or text message.

In her e-book on the topic, Love Online, Australia-based therapist Dr Karen Phillip explains how scammers choose their words to build a connection with their victim. If they claim to be Australian, American, British or Canadian, read their emails carefully to check if English is their first language, she advises.

The use of phrases such as “my dear” are a dead giveaway that a con artist is on the prowl, Phillip explains.

“No one uses this except for foreign people trying to be endearing and pretending to be of English origin,” she writes. Also be aware that the word “babe” is normally used only by couples in a close, long-term relationship. “Honey” and “hon” are also suspect.

Australia-based therapist Dr Karen Phillip.

Generally the swindler’s language will be poor, marked by bad spelling and grammar, Phillip writes.

She also advises online love-seekers to use facial identity software. Make a screenshot of the person’s profile picture and visit the Reverse Photos website, which can help match the face if it has appeared elsewhere online. It may reveal if the photo has been stolen off the internet.

Hong Kong men seek sex online, get duped out of HK$10 million in six months

Google Images is another way to determine whether you are being conned. Click on the camera icon in the search bar, upload the suspect’s photo and select “search” or hit “enter”. You may find other sites where the person’s image appears and associated names.

“I find many with Twitter accounts, not Facebook pages. They seem to avoid having a Facebook page,” Phillip writes.

She also recommends a website called TruthFinder, which allows users to search names and find information about them – real or genuine. Philip says that although TruthFinder is focused mainly on the United States, it is going to go global.

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